Today a Man Sat on Me (and other inappropriate oddities)

Recently I've experienced some strange happenings. Otherwise unrelated, they do share the common threads of odd & inappropriate….

Yesterday there was the discovery that someone had rummaged through my car without taking a thing. The inside was in total disarray, with all sorts of things strewn about -- pens, old sunglasses, sunglass cases, pens, napkins, maps, pens, CDs, valet tickets, dried out handy wipes, pens (now I know where all my pens have gone to), umbrellas, and so on. Windows were intact, doors unlocked, and every compartment had been turned on its inside. Yet not a single thing appeared to be missing, not even the nice suitcase and Christmas decorations I had in the trunk (car becomes precious storage when you have a small abode). My would-be thieves apparently decided my stuff was so shite that none of it was worth the taking. I’d be insulted if I wasn't grateful. Let's just hope they didn't find enough info to steal my identity or something.

In sum: odd & inappropriate (& fortunate).

The day before that there was the hot sex. Only not the kind you might be thinking or hoping for. It all started innocently enough while I was walking zee dog before work. I passed a loft that I've passed on many an occasion, but this time I noticed a man standing in the first floor window, which begins right at street level. The guy started knocking on the window with determination, clearly trying to get my attention. He got it. We made eye contact. I gave a quizzical "what ya want?" look. He walked a few feet back and sat in his recliner, where he continued to stare back at me. The creepy feeling set in as I looked to the right and saw the poster that he’d taped to the inside of his window. It read: "Hot Sex Stored in Here."

No kidding? Really? Sweet, lemme in! I guess I was getting picked up? Is that how people do it these days? A knock and a lewd poster? The man looked to be about thirty years old, nondescript, fratty. Possibly retarded in light of the behavior. Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to use that word (I’ve seen the recent protests), but I don't mean it like that. It's like when I say something's gay before I remember I might as well call something dumb “homosexual.” But that's just dumb. Sometimes people are too sensitive. Then again, sometimes people are not sensitive enough.

Back to the "special" fellow… When I realized the reason for the beckoning, I was most grateful to be wearing sunglasses and -feeling mildly molestered- I continued on my dog walking way. To be sure, I won't be walking that way again. Unless, of course, I'm looking for hot sex from someone mentally challenged enough to advertise it in their window like their political candidate of choice.

Conclusion: odd & inappropriate (& sad).

Then there was the large lawyer man who sat on me in court today. He was bigger than your average Joe, and I think he plain failed to see me in his periphery before choosing his roosting spot. One minute I’m sitting on the bench waiting for the clerk to call my case, and the next minute there's a stuffed shirt awkwardly perched on my leg. I sort of saw it coming, and might could've stopped him, but the "no.fucking.way.this.guy's.going.to.sit.on.me" thoughts kept me from doing anything 'til the deed was done. Bless his heart, he sure seemed embarrassed as he rolled himself off me.

Unintentional. And yet: odd & inappropriate (& funny).


andrea of ffft said...

I have seriously not laughed this hard in a long time... I can't even see my screen properly for all the tears streaming down my face. And my face hurts. I obviously haven't used these muscles enough lately... thank you!

Too funny. You are hereby bookmarked.

Jimmy Trickle said...

I rarely actually laugh out loud (more of a quiet smirker) but I just did so loudly I scared the napping cat who jumped and fell on the dog. Now the whole room has devolved into chaos. Thank you - it was worth it!

Reminds me of a time when a very large woman lost her balance on the tram and fell on me. I was almost crushed by her enormous bosom. I had my ipod on and was caught completely by surprise. Poor thing was mortified. Neither of us knew where to look after such an intimate encounter.

figment said...

it's so cool to hear the story somewhat translated and actually gave you a laugh! thanks very much for the comments! and oh how i know what you mean about not using the laugh muscles so much anymore. ah, to be a little more silly and laugh like a hyena a little more often....